I just finished reading "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. Chris is a former FBI Hostage Negotiator. The book was recommended to me as part of understanding leadership and the sabotage that sometimes happens when we fear loss or change. I have to admit I had no idea what I would gain from the book but I figured it would be interesting.
So what did I learn that is relevant to moving our church forward?
- It starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted.
- Empathy is more important than psychology, counseling, and crisis intervention.
- People find it easier just to stick with what they believe. These assumptions muck up our perception and show a flawed version of the situation.
- Being right isn't the key to success, having the right mindset is.
- Good negotiators identify the emotions in the room. They are not obstacles.
- Utilize: "It seems like...", "It sounds like...", "It looks like..."
- Empathy is a powerful mood enhancer.
- "No" provides safety from the scariness of change. "No" can mean:
- I am not yet ready to agree
- You are making me feel uncomfortable
- I do not understand
- I don't think we can afford it
- I want something else
- I need more information or
- I want to talk it over with someone else.
- You can turn their "no" reasons into questions
- No is not a failure. It opens the path forward. Opens the discussion up. A chance to articulate what someone wants.
- Get out of the habit of pushing for an immediate "yes"
- Saying "No" makes the speaker feel safe, secure and in control.
- Find out what someone's passion is and let them grow that passion. You will gain their trust.
- Creative solutions are almost always preceded by some degree of risk, annoyance, confusion, and conflict.
- Decision-making is governed by emotion, not logic.
- Using calibrated open-ended questions takes the aggression out of a confrontation. "perhaps." "maybe," "I think," and "It seems."
- Avoid "Why" questions as they come across as harsh.
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